i seem to only blog when i am reflective. i'm in a very strange place right now. physically, mentally, and emotionally. sometimes my life seems so bizarre. i think back to just a few years ago and it's as if the memories i have are movies clips from someone else's life. who i am today is so different than who i was three years ago...four years ago...or even six years ago. it's funny how the places of my past represent so many different things.
consider my early years of high school: good grades, hockey, mock trial, cheerleading, speech, prom, band...so much going on, i have no idea how i did all of it. and everything so different from the other. i loved mock trial, and i was good at it. i led the team to state my junior year. this is not me bragging, it's simply true. i was the lead attorney my sophomore year, and by the time my junior year rolled around i was captain of the entire team. it was the first year we had made it to state in almost a decade, and only the second time in history. we were such a bunch of misfits. at that point, i was sure that i wanted to go to law school and become a lawyer. i thought it was my calling...my niche. the next year i couldn't do the season b/c i would be in des moines for half the year as a senate page. that was the last year (to this day) that our high school has had a mock trial team.
later years of high school: i wanted nothing to do with anyone or anything. i wanted to get the hell out of there and fast. hockey was my escape, and even that wasn't worth sticking around for anymore. it's not like i was good or anything. and i wasn't a novelty anymore because i'd been the only chick for long enough the dudes had gotten used to it. plus a lot of the older dudes were gone and the ones who were left weren't ones i cared about. my mom drove me to des moines @ 4am for an interview at the state senate (9 hour drive round trip) and i ended up getting a much coveted spot as a senate page.
some specific memories are sticking out in my mind...go to the day of my car accident. i had been staying at drew's house for the weekend (why, who knows...i wanted to visit camp friends but i cannot for the life of me remember how i ended up staying at his house). i getting ready to drive away...for some reason we were partly out of town already, he had his car and i had mine. he was giving me a hug goodbye. he said he loved me (as a friend) and then got mad @ himself b/c he used the word love. that was the last point i remember before the crash. that i won't get into. but drew visited me in the hospital with levi. he was there for me. he adored me, and i could tell. everyone could tell. and i adored him. i moved to des moines to start my job as a page and i had 2 weeks to be closer to him. he was leaving for basic training soon. i was living @ lori's house (looking back i think that was really weird. just living in someone's house...idk) but lori had previously had a little "thing" with drew...so him coming to see me at her house was weird. but time with him was the only thing that mattered. i thought i had forgotten the day that he left (or at least learned to stop thinking about it) until this weekend. i drove to the hotel that he was staying at before flying out the next morning...he was there with his family...we went for a drive with matt and jeff...made out in the back seat of the car...matt and jeff left...it was time for me to leave. i never wanted to stop kissing him. i couldn't say goodbye. but i kissed him one last time and i left. automatic sliding glass doors. little did i know that it was over forever. maybe he knew, maybe he didn't. i don't want to think about that. in some ways it feels like it was someone else who was saying goodbye to drew. but i can still feel it today the same as i did then.
today i am not a lawyer. i am not with drew, nor am i dating anyone. i'm not even in the same state. i live a completely different life. but my memories, my past, still remain part of me. i still have that spunk/aggression that made me a good mock trial attorney then, and that now makes me a good group facilitator for men's anger management. i still have the capability to adore someone the same way that i adored drew. although i know i'm not ready for that yet. lately i've been asking myself if i really want to be single my whole life like i tell everyone. i think i just answered my own question. i want someone to adore me the way that drew did...someone to kiss me and i want to kiss them. someone who smiles when they look at me. a companion in this world that can be so lonely. my heart hurts thinking about it. somehow i know God will not provide me with a companion quite yet. He still has more work to do in me. But I'll get there.
Sunday, November 4, 2012
Sunday, October 16, 2011
The colors of our world change as a reflection of our hearts
An evolving process that brings tears for some
And laughter for others.
Let us never forget to say thank you
To the crimson figures of our past.
And breathe deeply as we welcome the
Golden dancers belonging in our future.
There may be a face or two
That carries with it
that familiar feeling of comfort
But with a new song to sing.
Not a strange one
Just different.
How often we speak with sharpened tongues
Against what we cannot control.
Our beastly desires infringe upon the mind
Leaving the heart behind.
To be consumed by our loving nature
Could only be so liberating.
Oh, if only we knew!
In the hands of the master
Our hearts were designed with endless shades of vibrant,
breath-taking hues.
With no assignments given
The transformations persist
With the changing of this earth.
An evolving process that brings tears for some
And laughter for others.
Let us never forget to say thank you
To the crimson figures of our past.
And breathe deeply as we welcome the
Golden dancers belonging in our future.
There may be a face or two
That carries with it
that familiar feeling of comfort
But with a new song to sing.
Not a strange one
Just different.
How often we speak with sharpened tongues
Against what we cannot control.
Our beastly desires infringe upon the mind
Leaving the heart behind.
To be consumed by our loving nature
Could only be so liberating.
Oh, if only we knew!
In the hands of the master
Our hearts were designed with endless shades of vibrant,
breath-taking hues.
With no assignments given
The transformations persist
With the changing of this earth.
Tuesday, August 16, 2011
bailey says I should blog more...consider this an effort :)
oh, I do actually have something to blog about! So today, I didn't have to work. It was great. I went to the mall, spent money I don' have, put a basket on my new bike, and biked around the como area for a few hours. It started to sprinkle, so I thought I should grab some groceries before heading home. Bad idea. I got out of the grocery store and it was POURING. I thought I might be able to tough it out, but there was no way. My roommates are both out of town, and I had no idea what to do. So I called my friend Emily who leaves somewhat nearby. She wasn't busy, so she drove to Rainbow and picked me up, haha. It was quiet the adventure. We had to figure out how to fit the bike and the groceries all in her little toyota camry. Haha, but we did it! Thank goodness Emily works at a bike shop, haha.
oh boy...good times.
wow...brittany leaves next week...
oh, I do actually have something to blog about! So today, I didn't have to work. It was great. I went to the mall, spent money I don' have, put a basket on my new bike, and biked around the como area for a few hours. It started to sprinkle, so I thought I should grab some groceries before heading home. Bad idea. I got out of the grocery store and it was POURING. I thought I might be able to tough it out, but there was no way. My roommates are both out of town, and I had no idea what to do. So I called my friend Emily who leaves somewhat nearby. She wasn't busy, so she drove to Rainbow and picked me up, haha. It was quiet the adventure. We had to figure out how to fit the bike and the groceries all in her little toyota camry. Haha, but we did it! Thank goodness Emily works at a bike shop, haha.
oh boy...good times.
wow...brittany leaves next week...
Friday, March 11, 2011
Wow. I'm back. For this first time since that last day in May almost a year ago. Nothing has changed. It's like I never left. I'm like a dried up sponge, I just want to keep soaking it all up. I'm not even looking at what I'm typing right now because I can't peel my eyes off the train window. Part of me wishes I wasn't alone right now because I want someone to share this with and understand what I'm feeling. Yet at the same time, it's nice to have it all to myself - more time to soak. All those memories & emotions - I'm here, right where they began. Where they grew. Where they changed me. I never want to leave.
Wednesday, March 9, 2011
| DEPART | |||
| Wednesday March 09 Depart: Minneapolis - St. Paul Intl, Minneapolis, MN, US (MSP) 6:45am, DEP-LINDBERGH Arrive: Chicago O'hare Intl, Chicago, IL, US (ORD) 8:15am, ARR-TERMINAL 3 | ||
 | |||
| Wednesday March 09 Depart: Chicago O'hare Intl, Chicago, IL, US (ORD) 4:45pm, DEP-TERMINAL 3 Arrive: London Heathrow, London, UK (LHR) 6:25am, ARR-TERMINAL 3 Thursday March 10 | ||
| RETURN | |||
| Monday March 21 Depart: London Heathrow, London, UK (LHR) 1:15pm, DEP-TERMINAL 3 Arrive: Chicago O'hare Intl, Chicago, IL, US (ORD) 4:50pm, ARR-TERMINAL 5 INTERNATIONAL | ||
| |||
| Monday March 21 Depart: Chicago O'hare Intl, Chicago, IL, US (ORD) 7:55pm, DEP-TERMINAL 3 Arrive: Minneapolis - St. Paul Intl, Minneapolis, MN, US (MSP) 9:20pm, ARR-LINDBERGH |
Sunday, November 28, 2010
so many thoughts...
6 months from now I have no idea where I will sleep...I will have a Bachelor's degree. Will I have a job? Will I have a place to live? Will I have a vehicle? Maybe I'll buy a dog. It's scary, yet exhilarating. I have the world @ my fingertips, I just have to make sure and be "around" the midwest during this summer and next due to my sister's wedding and bailey's.
My sister is getting married. She will never again have the same last name as me. She will become someone else's sister as well. She will live with a permanent roommate...a boy roommate.
I care about other people, but sometimes they exhaust me. It almost seems like it's the ones i care about the most that make the most wear. I can't stand when people only talk about themselves. Can't they hear when they speak that it's all about them? Don't the realize that, although their own little world may revolve around themselves, mine does not? And do they realize when they complain that someone else has it worse off than them? No one wants to be told they should feel bad for someone...oh and newsflash! complaining doesn't make us feel bad for you, it just makes us annoyed with you! Also, most people who are actually dealing with complaint worthy stuff, have learned that complaining doesn't help and thus the people who complain the most, are usually the ones that have the least to complain about.
Yes, I am self centered. Yes, I wine and annoy. Yes, I am too loud and messy. But guess what - nobody is perfect. I've got my stuff and you've got yours. I'll work on me while you work on you...no crossing over.
Thanksgiving just got over and I'm thankful for friends that I don't get to see that often that make me feel good. It's funny...so little effort is required...it almost seems as if their shallow friendships when thinking about it. But they're not. They are deep-rooted, and by this point in our lives, we've dealt with enough crap to just be friends when we're together. I wonder if it'll ever get to be that way with the others. maybe...but maybe the hard stuff is what makes it worth it. IDK.
I'm thankful for an amazing family...ya, it's pretty screwed up and dysfunctional (contrary to popular belief). But it's MY family...and that's why I love it.
There's a lot I'm not happy with right now, and there's a lot I'm more than content with. I can laugh & cry at the same time. I can be angry and loving all at once. Does it make sense? of course not...why should it.
It's like a marathon...there's no way I can run the whole way. There are going to have to be parts where a walk for a bit...but just a bit. Nurture that side ache. Drink some water. but a strong steady pace is what gets through. otherwise i won't finish. Ya sure, the some of the other runners are faster than me, better than me, more athletic. They can talk while they run...they may not have to walk...they glisten when they run while I'm drowning in my own sweat. I want to hit them upside the head because they make me look like a bigot. But ultimately, it's not about them...it's about me and what I need to do for myself to finish the race. And I will finish.
6 months from now I have no idea where I will sleep...I will have a Bachelor's degree. Will I have a job? Will I have a place to live? Will I have a vehicle? Maybe I'll buy a dog. It's scary, yet exhilarating. I have the world @ my fingertips, I just have to make sure and be "around" the midwest during this summer and next due to my sister's wedding and bailey's.
My sister is getting married. She will never again have the same last name as me. She will become someone else's sister as well. She will live with a permanent roommate...a boy roommate.
I care about other people, but sometimes they exhaust me. It almost seems like it's the ones i care about the most that make the most wear. I can't stand when people only talk about themselves. Can't they hear when they speak that it's all about them? Don't the realize that, although their own little world may revolve around themselves, mine does not? And do they realize when they complain that someone else has it worse off than them? No one wants to be told they should feel bad for someone...oh and newsflash! complaining doesn't make us feel bad for you, it just makes us annoyed with you! Also, most people who are actually dealing with complaint worthy stuff, have learned that complaining doesn't help and thus the people who complain the most, are usually the ones that have the least to complain about.
Yes, I am self centered. Yes, I wine and annoy. Yes, I am too loud and messy. But guess what - nobody is perfect. I've got my stuff and you've got yours. I'll work on me while you work on you...no crossing over.
Thanksgiving just got over and I'm thankful for friends that I don't get to see that often that make me feel good. It's funny...so little effort is required...it almost seems as if their shallow friendships when thinking about it. But they're not. They are deep-rooted, and by this point in our lives, we've dealt with enough crap to just be friends when we're together. I wonder if it'll ever get to be that way with the others. maybe...but maybe the hard stuff is what makes it worth it. IDK.
I'm thankful for an amazing family...ya, it's pretty screwed up and dysfunctional (contrary to popular belief). But it's MY family...and that's why I love it.
There's a lot I'm not happy with right now, and there's a lot I'm more than content with. I can laugh & cry at the same time. I can be angry and loving all at once. Does it make sense? of course not...why should it.
It's like a marathon...there's no way I can run the whole way. There are going to have to be parts where a walk for a bit...but just a bit. Nurture that side ache. Drink some water. but a strong steady pace is what gets through. otherwise i won't finish. Ya sure, the some of the other runners are faster than me, better than me, more athletic. They can talk while they run...they may not have to walk...they glisten when they run while I'm drowning in my own sweat. I want to hit them upside the head because they make me look like a bigot. But ultimately, it's not about them...it's about me and what I need to do for myself to finish the race. And I will finish.
Thursday, September 16, 2010
GOOD TIMES...
...the time when Desi and I played in the ball pen at a McDonalds (I can't remember if it was Paris or London). hahaha....we were srsly acting as if we were 5 again and it was glorious :)
...the time when katie couldn't find a cup, so she drank out of her advil bottle, hahaha...
...the time when Gabe&Danny kidnapped Brittany and rolled her through the halls of Lissner on her "birthday chariot" =)
...the time when Punya & I went to dinner on High Street & talked about boys, boys boys :)
...the time when Bailey & I were driving to NW IA and we realized we were both going to Bethel :)
...the time when Jen & I were in Wales and there was a stag party, hahahahaha
...the time my sister & I were driving to IA....well to be honest every time my sister and I drive to IA something hilarious happens, hahahahaha
...the time(s) freshman year when Bailey & I used to watch One Tree Hill :)
...the time Steffi, Lorna, Cameron & I went to Rough Trade, and the photo booth
...the time Desi convinced Chris to drive us to the Lake District, haha
...the time Desi and I went to Shordtitch :D :D :D HAHAHA!!!
...the time my sister took me to breakfast before dropping me off @ the airport :)
...the time Bailey&Brittany skyped /w me and we all watched The Office together, even though I was an ocean away from them :)
Monday, September 13, 2010
all it takes is one word
one word to make the entire world crumble
or so it would seem
it really isn't the end of the world
but it feels like it
one word to make me second guess
why did I open my mouth?
why do I ever open my mouth
Sunday, September 12, 2010
The word does not exist.
The one word that encompasses
the vast range of emotions and
complex feelings of my current state.
I've been searching for one word.
A simple way to express
that which is not simple at all.
The English language is a beautiful art.
An intricate way of communicating
with words and symbols.
But in so many ways it is lacking.
Lacking the words and implications I need
to express the art of feelings.
The things that are not constructed
by the human mind,
and have no set construct at all.
Thursday, August 26, 2010
It's a sea of faces,
a smattering of names.
Some matched to another,
for others it seems unimportant.
How to judge the effort
needed for such a daunting task.
What really matters
is not for me to decide.
The end of the ocean
is the beginning of life.
a smattering of names.
Some matched to another,
for others it seems unimportant.
How to judge the effort
needed for such a daunting task.
What really matters
is not for me to decide.
The end of the ocean
is the beginning of life.
Monday, August 23, 2010
It's the simple Joys in life,
that make one's heart soar.
There are times when it may
take the moving of mountains
to raise her spirits;
but today, it is as simple as
flashing a quick smile.
Joy - only 3 letters in length.
Short and sweet,
we just need to be willing.
Tuesday, August 17, 2010
We bring it back down
to a level that we can all reach.
to a level that we can all reach.
Waiting eagerly for the feeling
to wash over our entire bodies.
Did it really mean that little?
Or did it really mean the world.
Who's to say.
Watching out of the corner of an eye.
The movement was so swift,
barely a blip on the radar.
We begin to move forward,
because we don't have the option
to move backward.
Maybe that's for the best.
Who's to say.
to wash over our entire bodies.
Did it really mean that little?
Or did it really mean the world.
Who's to say.
Watching out of the corner of an eye.
The movement was so swift,
barely a blip on the radar.
We begin to move forward,
because we don't have the option
to move backward.
Maybe that's for the best.
Who's to say.
Wednesday, August 4, 2010
Wednesday, July 28, 2010
The time that passes
is a strange & cruel
double-edged sword.
when passing slowly,
it seems unbearable.
Yet, the swift motion
of the alternative
leaves me stunned,
& unable to catch my breath
in time to react.
Why does it have to
be this way?
Will it always be this hard?
So many questions,
but who has the answers?
As if they come in uniform
like finger prints to
identify an individual.
No one answer is the same.
The dull ache to uncover
the secret paths & whims
of my own.
Monday, May 17, 2010
so i can't believe i fell so far behind in this thing. actually, i can. i stopped blogging because there were a couple individuals who used my blog as a way to taunt/undermine me and my friends here in london. as i result, i stopped, but desi is right: i can't let them prevent me from writing about my experiences.
i've now been back in the USA for roughly a week, and everyday is a set of new emotions. i miss london, i miss my friends there, and i miss my life there. but i love my family & friends here in the states. one thing i have realized is how blessed i am. i have amazing friends who care about me and i love spending time with. the same goes for my family. i have a great support system. even though i was an ocean away, i would skype with not only every member of my family, but numerous friends as well.
that doesn't change the fact that i want to go back. sometimes i feel guilty, because i know the people i care about here have missed me and want to spend time with me - i'm not saying i don't want that as well. i just experienced so much in the last four months that i don't want to lose that....and i guess i feel that, in a way, leaving london is leaving that person behind. i was so independent there, it's a little hard to come back and be accountable to people.
the friendships i made while in london are incredible: desi, punya, jen, katie, cate, tanya, hailey, and so many more individuals who now have a special place in my heart. the first time i cried upon my arrival to the U.S. was because of a text i received from desi. it hurt to know that people i care so much about are so far away. for so long they were just downstairs, or down the street. now, their 2-5 states away. the saying "distance makes the heart grow fonder" is a load of bullocks. distance makes the heart hurt.
high's and low's: my last evening in london katie, cate, diana, gus, and i went for dinner at wagamama and played the game high's and low's. we went through saying the best and worst memories of london, that type of thing. my high: getting to meet so many amazing people and form relationships...the people at my internship specifically. i got to soak up the culture and learn about london from the people who had been born and raised there. priceless
low: my roommate. i learned a long time ago that i need to be careful about what i write in this blog, but anyone who knows me knows this already - my roommate was terrible to me. she was mean, and purposefully hurtful. we lived in a tiny tiny room and after deciding she hated me, she lost all consideration for me as a person. her actions were rude and inconsiderate and her words were venomous and spiteful. i wish i could say i feel bad for her....she doesn't know how to be a real friend, and as a result has few genuine friends of her own. but truth is, i don't feel bad for her. if that makes me a bad person, then i guess my true colors are revealed. sorry.
so much of my experience in london was shaped by the people i chose to spend my time with. when with desi&jen, i could say whatever came to my mind and there was always something to laugh about....not to mention getting to know alex and adopting him as my english brother :) ....with cate and katie there was never a dull moment...too many crazy times and crazy memories to recount in one blog entry. bambambanifa, drinking water out of advil bottles, the elk, and so much more. nando's with nikki, stacy, and company :) ... JT freak outs with punya!!! :) :) :) .... random stories and waldo moments with hailey.....cabbie rides with amanda and company. wow, so many memories and good times. someday i want to go back, but even then, it won't be the same. all of us will never be back in london at the same time in the same place. i can accept that. but still....doesn't make me miss it any less.
for now....looking forward to a summer in the twin cities with my sister, brittany, my cousins, and the lakes :) tis the season for a tan bay-bay!
i've now been back in the USA for roughly a week, and everyday is a set of new emotions. i miss london, i miss my friends there, and i miss my life there. but i love my family & friends here in the states. one thing i have realized is how blessed i am. i have amazing friends who care about me and i love spending time with. the same goes for my family. i have a great support system. even though i was an ocean away, i would skype with not only every member of my family, but numerous friends as well.
that doesn't change the fact that i want to go back. sometimes i feel guilty, because i know the people i care about here have missed me and want to spend time with me - i'm not saying i don't want that as well. i just experienced so much in the last four months that i don't want to lose that....and i guess i feel that, in a way, leaving london is leaving that person behind. i was so independent there, it's a little hard to come back and be accountable to people.
the friendships i made while in london are incredible: desi, punya, jen, katie, cate, tanya, hailey, and so many more individuals who now have a special place in my heart. the first time i cried upon my arrival to the U.S. was because of a text i received from desi. it hurt to know that people i care so much about are so far away. for so long they were just downstairs, or down the street. now, their 2-5 states away. the saying "distance makes the heart grow fonder" is a load of bullocks. distance makes the heart hurt.
high's and low's: my last evening in london katie, cate, diana, gus, and i went for dinner at wagamama and played the game high's and low's. we went through saying the best and worst memories of london, that type of thing. my high: getting to meet so many amazing people and form relationships...the people at my internship specifically. i got to soak up the culture and learn about london from the people who had been born and raised there. priceless
low: my roommate. i learned a long time ago that i need to be careful about what i write in this blog, but anyone who knows me knows this already - my roommate was terrible to me. she was mean, and purposefully hurtful. we lived in a tiny tiny room and after deciding she hated me, she lost all consideration for me as a person. her actions were rude and inconsiderate and her words were venomous and spiteful. i wish i could say i feel bad for her....she doesn't know how to be a real friend, and as a result has few genuine friends of her own. but truth is, i don't feel bad for her. if that makes me a bad person, then i guess my true colors are revealed. sorry.
so much of my experience in london was shaped by the people i chose to spend my time with. when with desi&jen, i could say whatever came to my mind and there was always something to laugh about....not to mention getting to know alex and adopting him as my english brother :) ....with cate and katie there was never a dull moment...too many crazy times and crazy memories to recount in one blog entry. bambambanifa, drinking water out of advil bottles, the elk, and so much more. nando's with nikki, stacy, and company :) ... JT freak outs with punya!!! :) :) :) .... random stories and waldo moments with hailey.....cabbie rides with amanda and company. wow, so many memories and good times. someday i want to go back, but even then, it won't be the same. all of us will never be back in london at the same time in the same place. i can accept that. but still....doesn't make me miss it any less.
for now....looking forward to a summer in the twin cities with my sister, brittany, my cousins, and the lakes :) tis the season for a tan bay-bay!
Sunday, April 25, 2010
one week later: last week of work. had to say goodbye to everyone. on monday me and a few co-workers went out after work. i had london's best bagel (cream cheese & salmon) and discovered the coolest record store ever called rough trade. later that week i went back and bought a couple cd's of some UK bands. went to the burberry outlet. things were reduced from 500 pounds to 399 pounds. wow. went to absolute ice bar london, random pent house, and zoo bar. went shopping and read for the afternoon in regeants park. went to blues kitchen for lorna (co-workers) birthday. met cool people. oh, tried to go to macbeth at the globe theatre, but it was sold out so we went to founders arms on the thames. beautiful view. interesting people. cant remember anything else for this week. peace out.
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