i seem to only blog when i am reflective. i'm in a very strange place right now. physically, mentally, and emotionally. sometimes my life seems so bizarre. i think back to just a few years ago and it's as if the memories i have are movies clips from someone else's life. who i am today is so different than who i was three years ago...four years ago...or even six years ago. it's funny how the places of my past represent so many different things.
consider my early years of high school: good grades, hockey, mock trial, cheerleading, speech, prom, band...so much going on, i have no idea how i did all of it. and everything so different from the other. i loved mock trial, and i was good at it. i led the team to state my junior year. this is not me bragging, it's simply true. i was the lead attorney my sophomore year, and by the time my junior year rolled around i was captain of the entire team. it was the first year we had made it to state in almost a decade, and only the second time in history. we were such a bunch of misfits. at that point, i was sure that i wanted to go to law school and become a lawyer. i thought it was my calling...my niche. the next year i couldn't do the season b/c i would be in des moines for half the year as a senate page. that was the last year (to this day) that our high school has had a mock trial team.
later years of high school: i wanted nothing to do with anyone or anything. i wanted to get the hell out of there and fast. hockey was my escape, and even that wasn't worth sticking around for anymore. it's not like i was good or anything. and i wasn't a novelty anymore because i'd been the only chick for long enough the dudes had gotten used to it. plus a lot of the older dudes were gone and the ones who were left weren't ones i cared about. my mom drove me to des moines @ 4am for an interview at the state senate (9 hour drive round trip) and i ended up getting a much coveted spot as a senate page.
some specific memories are sticking out in my mind...go to the day of my car accident. i had been staying at drew's house for the weekend (why, who knows...i wanted to visit camp friends but i cannot for the life of me remember how i ended up staying at his house). i getting ready to drive away...for some reason we were partly out of town already, he had his car and i had mine. he was giving me a hug goodbye. he said he loved me (as a friend) and then got mad @ himself b/c he used the word love. that was the last point i remember before the crash. that i won't get into. but drew visited me in the hospital with levi. he was there for me. he adored me, and i could tell. everyone could tell. and i adored him. i moved to des moines to start my job as a page and i had 2 weeks to be closer to him. he was leaving for basic training soon. i was living @ lori's house (looking back i think that was really weird. just living in someone's house...idk) but lori had previously had a little "thing" with drew...so him coming to see me at her house was weird. but time with him was the only thing that mattered. i thought i had forgotten the day that he left (or at least learned to stop thinking about it) until this weekend. i drove to the hotel that he was staying at before flying out the next morning...he was there with his family...we went for a drive with matt and jeff...made out in the back seat of the car...matt and jeff left...it was time for me to leave. i never wanted to stop kissing him. i couldn't say goodbye. but i kissed him one last time and i left. automatic sliding glass doors. little did i know that it was over forever. maybe he knew, maybe he didn't. i don't want to think about that. in some ways it feels like it was someone else who was saying goodbye to drew. but i can still feel it today the same as i did then.
today i am not a lawyer. i am not with drew, nor am i dating anyone. i'm not even in the same state. i live a completely different life. but my memories, my past, still remain part of me. i still have that spunk/aggression that made me a good mock trial attorney then, and that now makes me a good group facilitator for men's anger management. i still have the capability to adore someone the same way that i adored drew. although i know i'm not ready for that yet. lately i've been asking myself if i really want to be single my whole life like i tell everyone. i think i just answered my own question. i want someone to adore me the way that drew did...someone to kiss me and i want to kiss them. someone who smiles when they look at me. a companion in this world that can be so lonely. my heart hurts thinking about it. somehow i know God will not provide me with a companion quite yet. He still has more work to do in me. But I'll get there.
Sunday, November 4, 2012
Sunday, October 16, 2011
The colors of our world change as a reflection of our hearts
An evolving process that brings tears for some
And laughter for others.
Let us never forget to say thank you
To the crimson figures of our past.
And breathe deeply as we welcome the
Golden dancers belonging in our future.
There may be a face or two
That carries with it
that familiar feeling of comfort
But with a new song to sing.
Not a strange one
Just different.
How often we speak with sharpened tongues
Against what we cannot control.
Our beastly desires infringe upon the mind
Leaving the heart behind.
To be consumed by our loving nature
Could only be so liberating.
Oh, if only we knew!
In the hands of the master
Our hearts were designed with endless shades of vibrant,
breath-taking hues.
With no assignments given
The transformations persist
With the changing of this earth.
An evolving process that brings tears for some
And laughter for others.
Let us never forget to say thank you
To the crimson figures of our past.
And breathe deeply as we welcome the
Golden dancers belonging in our future.
There may be a face or two
That carries with it
that familiar feeling of comfort
But with a new song to sing.
Not a strange one
Just different.
How often we speak with sharpened tongues
Against what we cannot control.
Our beastly desires infringe upon the mind
Leaving the heart behind.
To be consumed by our loving nature
Could only be so liberating.
Oh, if only we knew!
In the hands of the master
Our hearts were designed with endless shades of vibrant,
breath-taking hues.
With no assignments given
The transformations persist
With the changing of this earth.
Tuesday, August 16, 2011
bailey says I should blog more...consider this an effort :)
oh, I do actually have something to blog about! So today, I didn't have to work. It was great. I went to the mall, spent money I don' have, put a basket on my new bike, and biked around the como area for a few hours. It started to sprinkle, so I thought I should grab some groceries before heading home. Bad idea. I got out of the grocery store and it was POURING. I thought I might be able to tough it out, but there was no way. My roommates are both out of town, and I had no idea what to do. So I called my friend Emily who leaves somewhat nearby. She wasn't busy, so she drove to Rainbow and picked me up, haha. It was quiet the adventure. We had to figure out how to fit the bike and the groceries all in her little toyota camry. Haha, but we did it! Thank goodness Emily works at a bike shop, haha.
oh boy...good times.
wow...brittany leaves next week...
oh, I do actually have something to blog about! So today, I didn't have to work. It was great. I went to the mall, spent money I don' have, put a basket on my new bike, and biked around the como area for a few hours. It started to sprinkle, so I thought I should grab some groceries before heading home. Bad idea. I got out of the grocery store and it was POURING. I thought I might be able to tough it out, but there was no way. My roommates are both out of town, and I had no idea what to do. So I called my friend Emily who leaves somewhat nearby. She wasn't busy, so she drove to Rainbow and picked me up, haha. It was quiet the adventure. We had to figure out how to fit the bike and the groceries all in her little toyota camry. Haha, but we did it! Thank goodness Emily works at a bike shop, haha.
oh boy...good times.
wow...brittany leaves next week...
Friday, March 11, 2011
Wow. I'm back. For this first time since that last day in May almost a year ago. Nothing has changed. It's like I never left. I'm like a dried up sponge, I just want to keep soaking it all up. I'm not even looking at what I'm typing right now because I can't peel my eyes off the train window. Part of me wishes I wasn't alone right now because I want someone to share this with and understand what I'm feeling. Yet at the same time, it's nice to have it all to myself - more time to soak. All those memories & emotions - I'm here, right where they began. Where they grew. Where they changed me. I never want to leave.
Wednesday, March 9, 2011
| DEPART | |||
| Wednesday March 09 Depart: Minneapolis - St. Paul Intl, Minneapolis, MN, US (MSP) 6:45am, DEP-LINDBERGH Arrive: Chicago O'hare Intl, Chicago, IL, US (ORD) 8:15am, ARR-TERMINAL 3 | ||
 | |||
| Wednesday March 09 Depart: Chicago O'hare Intl, Chicago, IL, US (ORD) 4:45pm, DEP-TERMINAL 3 Arrive: London Heathrow, London, UK (LHR) 6:25am, ARR-TERMINAL 3 Thursday March 10 | ||
| RETURN | |||
| Monday March 21 Depart: London Heathrow, London, UK (LHR) 1:15pm, DEP-TERMINAL 3 Arrive: Chicago O'hare Intl, Chicago, IL, US (ORD) 4:50pm, ARR-TERMINAL 5 INTERNATIONAL | ||
| |||
| Monday March 21 Depart: Chicago O'hare Intl, Chicago, IL, US (ORD) 7:55pm, DEP-TERMINAL 3 Arrive: Minneapolis - St. Paul Intl, Minneapolis, MN, US (MSP) 9:20pm, ARR-LINDBERGH |
Sunday, November 28, 2010
so many thoughts...
6 months from now I have no idea where I will sleep...I will have a Bachelor's degree. Will I have a job? Will I have a place to live? Will I have a vehicle? Maybe I'll buy a dog. It's scary, yet exhilarating. I have the world @ my fingertips, I just have to make sure and be "around" the midwest during this summer and next due to my sister's wedding and bailey's.
My sister is getting married. She will never again have the same last name as me. She will become someone else's sister as well. She will live with a permanent roommate...a boy roommate.
I care about other people, but sometimes they exhaust me. It almost seems like it's the ones i care about the most that make the most wear. I can't stand when people only talk about themselves. Can't they hear when they speak that it's all about them? Don't the realize that, although their own little world may revolve around themselves, mine does not? And do they realize when they complain that someone else has it worse off than them? No one wants to be told they should feel bad for someone...oh and newsflash! complaining doesn't make us feel bad for you, it just makes us annoyed with you! Also, most people who are actually dealing with complaint worthy stuff, have learned that complaining doesn't help and thus the people who complain the most, are usually the ones that have the least to complain about.
Yes, I am self centered. Yes, I wine and annoy. Yes, I am too loud and messy. But guess what - nobody is perfect. I've got my stuff and you've got yours. I'll work on me while you work on you...no crossing over.
Thanksgiving just got over and I'm thankful for friends that I don't get to see that often that make me feel good. It's funny...so little effort is required...it almost seems as if their shallow friendships when thinking about it. But they're not. They are deep-rooted, and by this point in our lives, we've dealt with enough crap to just be friends when we're together. I wonder if it'll ever get to be that way with the others. maybe...but maybe the hard stuff is what makes it worth it. IDK.
I'm thankful for an amazing family...ya, it's pretty screwed up and dysfunctional (contrary to popular belief). But it's MY family...and that's why I love it.
There's a lot I'm not happy with right now, and there's a lot I'm more than content with. I can laugh & cry at the same time. I can be angry and loving all at once. Does it make sense? of course not...why should it.
It's like a marathon...there's no way I can run the whole way. There are going to have to be parts where a walk for a bit...but just a bit. Nurture that side ache. Drink some water. but a strong steady pace is what gets through. otherwise i won't finish. Ya sure, the some of the other runners are faster than me, better than me, more athletic. They can talk while they run...they may not have to walk...they glisten when they run while I'm drowning in my own sweat. I want to hit them upside the head because they make me look like a bigot. But ultimately, it's not about them...it's about me and what I need to do for myself to finish the race. And I will finish.
6 months from now I have no idea where I will sleep...I will have a Bachelor's degree. Will I have a job? Will I have a place to live? Will I have a vehicle? Maybe I'll buy a dog. It's scary, yet exhilarating. I have the world @ my fingertips, I just have to make sure and be "around" the midwest during this summer and next due to my sister's wedding and bailey's.
My sister is getting married. She will never again have the same last name as me. She will become someone else's sister as well. She will live with a permanent roommate...a boy roommate.
I care about other people, but sometimes they exhaust me. It almost seems like it's the ones i care about the most that make the most wear. I can't stand when people only talk about themselves. Can't they hear when they speak that it's all about them? Don't the realize that, although their own little world may revolve around themselves, mine does not? And do they realize when they complain that someone else has it worse off than them? No one wants to be told they should feel bad for someone...oh and newsflash! complaining doesn't make us feel bad for you, it just makes us annoyed with you! Also, most people who are actually dealing with complaint worthy stuff, have learned that complaining doesn't help and thus the people who complain the most, are usually the ones that have the least to complain about.
Yes, I am self centered. Yes, I wine and annoy. Yes, I am too loud and messy. But guess what - nobody is perfect. I've got my stuff and you've got yours. I'll work on me while you work on you...no crossing over.
Thanksgiving just got over and I'm thankful for friends that I don't get to see that often that make me feel good. It's funny...so little effort is required...it almost seems as if their shallow friendships when thinking about it. But they're not. They are deep-rooted, and by this point in our lives, we've dealt with enough crap to just be friends when we're together. I wonder if it'll ever get to be that way with the others. maybe...but maybe the hard stuff is what makes it worth it. IDK.
I'm thankful for an amazing family...ya, it's pretty screwed up and dysfunctional (contrary to popular belief). But it's MY family...and that's why I love it.
There's a lot I'm not happy with right now, and there's a lot I'm more than content with. I can laugh & cry at the same time. I can be angry and loving all at once. Does it make sense? of course not...why should it.
It's like a marathon...there's no way I can run the whole way. There are going to have to be parts where a walk for a bit...but just a bit. Nurture that side ache. Drink some water. but a strong steady pace is what gets through. otherwise i won't finish. Ya sure, the some of the other runners are faster than me, better than me, more athletic. They can talk while they run...they may not have to walk...they glisten when they run while I'm drowning in my own sweat. I want to hit them upside the head because they make me look like a bigot. But ultimately, it's not about them...it's about me and what I need to do for myself to finish the race. And I will finish.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
