i seem to only blog when i am reflective.  i'm in a very strange place right now.  physically, mentally, and emotionally.  sometimes my life seems so bizarre.  i think back to just a few years ago and it's as if the memories i have are movies clips from someone else's life.  who i am today is so different than who i was three years ago...four years ago...or even six years ago.  it's funny how the places of my past represent so many different things.

consider my early years of high school:  good grades, hockey, mock trial, cheerleading, speech, prom, band...so much going on, i have no idea how i did all of it.  and everything so different from the other.  i loved mock trial, and i was good at it.  i led the team to state my junior year.  this is not me bragging, it's simply true.  i was the lead attorney my sophomore year, and by the time my junior year rolled around i was captain of the entire team.  it was the first year we had made it to state in almost a decade, and only the second time in history.  we were such a bunch of misfits.  at that point, i was sure that i wanted to go to law school and become a lawyer.  i thought it was my calling...my niche.  the next year i couldn't do the season b/c i would be in des moines for half the year as a senate page.  that was the last year (to this day) that our high school has had a mock trial team.

later years of high school:  i wanted nothing to do with anyone or anything.  i wanted to get the hell out of there and fast.  hockey was my escape, and even that wasn't worth sticking around for anymore.  it's not like i was good or anything.  and i wasn't a novelty anymore because i'd been the only chick for long enough the dudes had gotten used to it.  plus a lot of the older dudes were gone and the ones who were left weren't ones i cared about.  my mom drove me to des moines @ 4am for an interview at the state senate (9 hour drive round trip) and i ended up getting a much coveted spot as a senate page.

some specific memories are sticking out in my mind...go to the day of my car accident.  i had been staying at drew's house for the weekend (why, who knows...i wanted to visit camp friends but i cannot for the life of me remember how i ended up staying at his house).  i getting ready to drive away...for some reason we were partly out of town already, he had his car and i had mine.  he was giving me a hug goodbye.  he said he loved me (as a friend) and then got mad @ himself b/c he used the word love.  that was the last point i remember before the crash.  that i won't get into.  but drew visited me in the hospital with levi.  he was there for me.  he adored me, and i could tell.  everyone could tell.  and i adored him.  i moved to des moines to start my job as a page and i had 2 weeks to be closer to him.  he was leaving for basic training soon.  i was living @ lori's house (looking back i think that was really weird.  just living in someone's house...idk)  but lori had previously had a little "thing" with drew...so him coming to see me at her house was weird.  but time with him was the only thing that mattered.  i thought i had forgotten the day that he left (or at least learned to stop thinking about it) until this weekend.  i drove to the hotel that he was staying at before flying out the next morning...he was there with his family...we went for a drive with matt and jeff...made out in the back seat of the car...matt and jeff left...it was time for me to leave.  i never wanted to stop kissing him.  i couldn't say goodbye.  but i kissed him one last time and i left.  automatic sliding glass doors.  little did i know that it was over forever.  maybe he knew, maybe he didn't.  i don't want to think about that.  in some ways it feels like it was someone else who was saying goodbye to drew.  but i can still feel it today the same as i did then.

today i am not a lawyer.  i am not with drew, nor am i dating anyone.  i'm not even in the same state.  i live a completely different life.  but my memories, my past, still remain part of me.  i still have that spunk/aggression that made me a good mock trial attorney then, and that now makes me a good group facilitator for men's anger management.  i still have the capability to adore someone the same way that i adored drew.  although i know i'm not ready for that yet.  lately i've been asking myself if i really want to be single my whole life like i tell everyone.  i think i just answered my own question.  i want someone to adore me the way that drew did...someone to kiss me and i want to kiss them.  someone who smiles when they look at me.  a companion in this world that can be so lonely.  my heart hurts thinking about it.  somehow i know God will not provide me with a companion quite yet.  He still has more work to do in me.  But I'll get there.