so last night, i learned that people actually read this thing...(thats a shout out to you gus...and katie and cate) .. haha..now i feel like a huge loser. but whateves

i remembered what part 3 was.

i have decided NOT to go back to camp this summer. i dont even remember if i blogged about this at all, but i had been having second thoughts about my decision not to go back. it was super confusing but ryan sent me one last email and wanted me to know that if i wasnt at peace and 100% sure about the decision, then it probably wasnt the right one. and i needed to hear that from him. cuz i was not at peace. i was the opposite of peace. but now that i've considered all my options and really PRAYED about it, i do feel at peace about my plans to live/work at bethel over the summer. it feels sooo good!!! i know that's where God wants me, and i know that its the right thing to do.

last night i hung with desi, alex, and chris at queens arms. it was good cuz i feel like i havent spent time with desi in a long time. i love that girl :)

so this blog is going to have 3 parts to it. sorry for the lengthy-ness...no one probably reads this anyway.

part 1: it's amazing how you can almost feel the emotions of the people you are close to. when those that i love and care about are going through rough times, my heart hurts for them. it sounds weird, but i can almost feel something physical in a way that is telling me there is sorrow in their hearts. when my brother had to endure losing game 1 @ nationals in a shoot out the first time, i cried even though i wasnt there...and the second time when i was there, my heart almost broke for him. when my sister gets hurt from things people say to her or the mean things that people do, i can feel the ache in my heart along with her. when my friends have something going on in their lives, i can almost feel it too. idk, maybe that's why God called me to be a social worker, because i have empathy for people. but sometimes, i think its more than empathy. i dont really know. all i know is that there are people back home struggling with things, as well as my friends here who are going through some tough times. it's all a lot to handle. im very very thankful that life seems to be going pretty well for me right now. i mean, it's amazing. i can't complain. it's just hard when there is so much going on with everyone else and i can feel it too. def the times when i turn to prayer. i think i've prayed more in these last few days that i have all last week. it's probably God's plan all along....to get me to spend more time with Him. so for those of you reading this (if ur reading it ur probably the ppl i'm talking about anyways)..just know i'm praying for you. a lot.

part 2: today at oxford house was SO good. i spoke with my supervisor about a number of things. 1st, i talked to him about the individual tenants and going to each one and gathering information and spending time each office. he really wants me to do that, which would mean i would get loads of different experience. each tenant does something different. and its something that really interests me, so im pretty pumped. ALSO! i talked to him about the week that mom is coming and he was soooo great about it... he was willing to give me the whole week off, but that's kind of illegal (with UK visa laws and everything) so he just gave me wednesday and thursday off...and said show up whenever on monday haha... i love my supervisor! he's such a cool guy. so laid back, but knows how to get things done.

part 3: well i cant exactly remember what part three was...i'll just make it randomness. so i really really wanna get this fur hat that i saw a girl wearing at the bus stop the other night. she said she got it at h&m, but i went there and they didnt have any!!! im gonna try and go to covent gardens sometime this week, and maybe i'll find it there?!?! i hope so :) ... and i keep forgetting to get postcards!!!! i n-e-e-d to get those. and i need to get a birthday card for aubrey (my cousin). her birthday was like 1 week ago, and the card will take at least 2 weeks to get there, but still. i really wanna send her something. it's the thought that counts right? haha. so im soooo obsessed with the band He Is We. i cannot get enough of their songs. i only have three on my ipod and i've listened to them over and over the past few days. their play count is a lil ridiculous haha.

i think thats good for now :)

sometimes i forget that im in london. i get used to how things are. i get used to the tube, i get used to driving on the left side of the road, i get used to pounds as the currency. i forget that i am in this awesome, amazing place that has so many magical things for me to see. i sit in my room and blog, or i skype, or i order pizza with friends. not saying that those things are bad. i need to do "normal stuff" but i want to be going to the museums, going to the markets, seeing the touristy sites. i've been pretty good about seeing some things. like the pubs. haha...not that thats hard, but some of the pubs around here are really cool. i was looking in my guide book the other day, and i've already been to half of the "top 10" ones in london :) i was proud of myself. but i've only been to 1 market, 1 musuem. i've been on tons of walking tours, but that was the 1st week. i wanna get out there and see more stuff. im in london for goodness sake! i dont wanna think of my time here and remember being in the dorm or doing homework or whatever. i want to remember the trips that i took, the coolest places i saw in london. in a way i think its cuz i've been here for so long that i feel almost like a regular londoner. i can navigate the tube system better than some of the ppl i work with, i know how to order food like a normal londoner. the only difference is my accent, but really, there are tons of ppl with american accents in london who arent tourists. and thats the thing. i dont feel like a tourist anymore. which is good...but bad cuz i get complacent. i think i know everything there is to know about london, even though i havent even seen the half of it. yesterday i made a list of some of the things i wanna do (mostly including shopping haha) and i wanna keep adding to that list. granted, some things im saving until mom comes (like the london eye and westminster abbey) but there is so much more to do! ... :) i gotta get on that.

so today is my 4th day at oxford house. if only they knew i was blogging right now, haha. its pretty chill here, so i think its ok. plus im on reception for the morning, so not much to do except answer phones. things are going well. me and cameron are working on reestablishing ties with oxford university, and the research is actually fairly interesting. im going to talk to john (my supervisor) about working with some of the tenants (like kids and mental health) ... maybe i'll do that next week. cameron is a fellow intern with me. he gets on my nerves sometimes. his major is psychology so idk why he's @ oxford house. plus he's super insensitive. yesterday we were going home and we had to walk the subway (walkway underground) and he was making remarks about how the homeless people were smelly and making him uncomfortable. ok....1st of all, i am a social work major. empathy and diversity are huge for me...and here he is talking about these people as if they're sewer rats. o i wanted to slap him. i was talking with my friend amanda last night about how im super sensative (u know how that is brit ;) haha) and she was saying she was too! finally someone here who actually understands that words are powerful and you cant just say things to people without thinking. ooo it was good.

so i emailed my advisor on monday to tell her i had started my placement and where it was and she emailed me back and so did another social work professor and they were like upset that they hadnt heard from me yet! um, excuse me but you are the professors and you never contacted me! i hadnt heard from them the entire time i was here. im in a frickin different country. i was starting a new life, and they expect me to be thinking about THEM??? oooo i was upset to say the least. i emailed them back with all the info they needed and was very short and did not give them any extra information. being in london has made me realize how little the social work department does to help you. isnt social work all about helping people? well my advisors and teachers here arent even in social work and they've been more helpful then my ones back home. ugh....not looking forward to going back that @ all @ this point in time. so frustrating. i guess in a way they have to be more helpful here because the students are foreign and all that jazz, but you would think my advisors back home would understand that as well. i've never gone through the social work program @ bethel before even though they've gone through it however many years they've been there. and i've never studied abroad before. how the heck am i supposed to know what the heck is going on. gah...ok....done thinking about them. whatever.

tonight i'm going to legally blonde and im so excited!!!!!!

oh and i miss brittany...and my sister...and bailey

funny that i would end my last post /w the word prayer...ok....1st things first....my parents sent me flowers!!!!! i almost screamed when i saw the package. i seriously DID NOT expect ANYTHING. much less flowers!!! :D amazing parents, amazing :) :) :) ... so here is a pic of me /w the wonderful flowers sent by my wonderful parents :) oh how i love them. i dont think they even understand :) ...


ok. so last blog was before church. church @ westminster chapel was a-m-a-z-i-n-g. wow. i dont really have words for it. the end of the sermon was kinda awkward cuz i didnt know when to leave, but the songs were the same as the ones i sing back home. i knew all the words. and to be in worship and fellowship with other believers....wow. i did not realize how starved i was for fellowship. i almost cried. it was seriously the closest i have come to feeling @ home since being here. not like im homesick or dont feel like i belong here (cuz i actually feel like i belong on london more than i do other places) .. but just a feeling of peace and true comfort. idk....hard to explain. lets just say im going back. not an option.

the 1st day @ oxford house was....well unproductive to say the least. they dont really do internships here over in the UK, so most of the supervisors we work with dont really understand what an internship entails. basically i spent the day surfing the web and chatting /w the receptionist. it was fun, but unproductive. today was way better. we sat down /w our supervisor and made a game plan for our time here. me and the other guy from my program @ oxford house are going to reconnect the relationship with oxford university. it'll be a project, but i think it'll be rewarding in the end. also, i think im going to develop a weekly newsletter for oxford house. and i want to work with the youth, so maybe help put on a few neighborhood events. i feel good about it. i love the ppl there, so im glad i got put there. we'll see how the rest of the week goes.

so yesterday i was feeling really unsettled about my whole not going back to camp plan. dont get me wrong, i do not wanna go back to camp. but i felt as if God was trying to tell me something. i emailed ryan and told him i had no intentions of returning to camp, but i felt some weird nudge or something from God and was wondering if there were any positions he hadnt filled. he emailed me back today (fastest reply i have ever gotten from ryan graden lol) and said that he still needs a waterfront coordinator. basically a glorified head lifeguard. it would be a big responsibility with loads to do and i wouldnt have campers. i dont know what to do. is this God telling me he wants me to go back to camp? but i have this awesome opportunity to intern @ eastside in minneapolis with my anger management classes over the summer. and i could make lots of money by working @ bethel over the summer too. i WANT to be doing anger management this summer. but i also love camp.... bailey would be there....and michael....and carter.... (oh yea....bailey and michael are t3 coordinators together lol....i can hear the wedding bells now! ;) haha) ...

brittany is struggling with her own stuff going on....im struggling with everything...i miss my sister...i wanna talk to somebody about this whole camp thing....i wish i hadnt emailed ryan....but i know God wanted me to .... what does this mean?

prayer

prayer

prayer

God please send me an answer....to everything

today is valentines day. not like that means much to me. haha. im going to check out westminster chapel today. lindsey clay told me about it and i like what i've seen online, so im going to the 4:00 service (which is in like 2 and a half hours...) should be good. my roommate is gone this weekend in amsterdam. so are emily and desi. i was going to hang out /w alex today, but i havent heard from him, so probs not. my mom send me a e-card for valentines day...thanks muzza ;) ... cuz apparently its too expensive to send stuff in the mail. i did a little bit of homework this weekend. got started on my magazine article. maybe i'll finish that tonight. went to a new place called the elk with some friends on friday. that was fun. i met some professional rugby players, which is kinda cool...it would be like meeting pro football or basketball players in america...rugby and football (soccer) are the most popular sport in europe, so it was kinda exotic to meet some of the pros. very cool :) haha...i need to clean my room. and i need to exchange the shoes i bought @ primark. i miss bailey and brittany a lot. my nose still hurts...still a lil infected and i forgot to steal some salt from the dining center. there's this one lady that works in the cafeteria and idk why, but she loves me and my roommate. i told her i was gonna be lonely this weekend cuz my roommate was gone and she told me to come by on sunday and she would give me a free lunch, haha. it was so sweet. i totally took her up on that offer. she was really happy to hear that i was going to go to church on valentines day, haha. she's so sweet. i wanna shop more, but i just cant. im always in the mood to shop, but my budget just wont allow it. we'll see how this week goes. maybe i'll skip a couple meals so i can buy some new jeans. haha. this week will be the 1st week of my internship @ the oxford house. pretty exciting. start of a lot of new things. i had a month to get used to life here, and now its changing. not too much, but just enough to make me anxious to get started. i was getting in a rut, and now its time to feel productive. working will make me think about shopping less...and maybe less about the ppl i miss. i think about ted and kelsey's wedding a lot. i wish i could be there for more of the planning. ted's so lucky...so is kelsey. im so lucky. my family is amazing and i have awesome friends. i need to be thankful and celebrate my life more often. i was looking @ pix on facebook of a long time ago right after my accident. my face does look A LOT better. i want to do the plastic surgery. i hope they say im a candidate for it. only God knows @ this point. prayer is the only thing i got right now...but it is a very powerful weapon...i need to try and utilize it more often. i underestimate the power of prayer a lot...gotta stop doing that. life is different every day. i want to feel loved and wanted. i want to forget some things. i need to make myself do things sometimes. i take things for granted too often. like my mother. i gotta stop doing that. my biggest love languages are physical touch and words of affirmation...hard to do when your halfway across the world from the people you love the most. being here i think quality time is a big one too...heck i love all the love languages. haha. i just love being/feeling loved! time to stop and get something done. i need to change before church and maybe write some more for my paper.

prayer

prayer

prayer

The Oxford House - that's where my internship is. i think it'll be good. i wasn't excited @ first because my roommate had interviewed there and didn't want it @ all...but she's a psychology major. this place is the epitome of social work. they're a settlement house that was started around the same time as tonby hall started by jane adams. they provide resources for people in the community and aim to promote diversity....can you say social work? haha. i know my advisor will be really happy about this one. its cool because they rent out parts of their building to other agencies and my supervisor said it might be a possibility for me to work with one of them...ex: downstairs is a agency that deals with mental health in adult. i would love to get involved there. also, there's a creative arts studio that has classes for youth in the community. i told him about my experience @ camp and just my skills in general and he said there's also a possibility that i could facilitate classes with the youth. all-in-al i think its going to be good. its about a 45 min tube ride there and after my interview i bought a newspaper and read it on the tube and i felt like a true londoner....i was reading the paper, sittin on the tube, earbuds in... :) it was fantastic. i can't wait for my internship to start. then i will feel like a true london lady ;) haha

last night was so much fun. i went out with a couple girls on my floor that i haven't gone out with yet and i had blast. they are so much fun. for real...probably one of the funnest nights i have had yet. we went to the local pub and hung out with some of their local british friends and it was such a good night. wednesday nights at imperial (the pub we went to) are a great night because there's always a big football game on and its jam packed and just lots of fun. i've made every other wednesday night @ imperial my tradition :) haha...its great.

so this weekend a bunch of my friends are going to amsterdam. i really have no desire to go, so i'm staying in london. i wanna go see the V&A museum, the tate museum, and some other free stuff. i really need to stop spending money. some girls on my floor wanna go to a club this weekend, but i'm just not sure...their expensive and sometimes dodgy. we'll see. i do have homework actually. i have to finish that magazine article for my british culture class. maybe i'll do that this weekend. ha...we'll see.

so much to blog about. this last weekend i went to paris. i enjoyed it. i like paris, but i don't love it. alex is laughing at me right now because he thinks the idea of a blog is dull and pointless. haha. i find him funny....mostly because of his accent though. hahaha...it probably doesnt help that he's reading this as i type it.

ok anyways. so paris is overrated, but it was till fun. i saw notre dame, the louvre, the eiffel tower, the bastille, and paris @ night. the louvre was by far my favorite part. i'm not really a museum type of person, but the louvre was A-M-A-Z-I-N-G. wow. i would go back there any day. we went to a market by the bastille and it was super fun. all the stands were unique and everything was one of a kind. i got my sister something there....probably shouldn't say what it is on the off chance that she reads this ;) haha. i also got ted and myself something...and brittany and bailey. just small things, but good momentos from paris. at least thats what i think :) ... i was thinking today and i want to get something for aubrey and elise. i might get them something when i go back to paris with my mom, or i might find something for them in london. either way, i want to get them something from europe.

im @ imperial library right now with alex and desi. i'm supposed to be working on a magazine article that's due next week for my contemporary british culture class. i guess i made some progress. i knew i wanted to write about UK education, but that's such a broad subject. i narrowed it down to city academies, an idea suggested by alex. they're schools that were started after the education act of 2000. i won't bore you with all of that stuff, but basicly it seems like an intersting topic to do my article on.

i bought conditioner and nail polish today...2 very american things that i feel is a waste to spend money on. i think im going to go back to portabello market this weekend. i dont want to spend more than £20 though. i've been going over and over my finances in my head for the past few days and i have to try really hard to spend under my budget. i think i can do it.

i emailed laura cuz there was kind of some drama before i left for paris and she made me feel better. granted i didnt get her email till i got home from paris, but it was just good to hear from her. everyone be praying for her cuz she applied for a new position and i really want her to get it. God, its miracle time.

go onto my facebook and check out my gorgeous pictures from paris. o my goodness i almost forgot! they have amazing crepes :) and we found this hole-in-the-wall cafe that was so cute and not tourist-discovered. it was amazing. i had french onion soup and i couldnt get over how good it was.

tomorrow i have to give a presentation on myself. i should probably finish that. i got an email from my internship advisor about my placement. she wants to put me somewhere called the oxford house, but i really dont want to do that. i want to be somewhere like an adoption agency. the oxford house is basically a charity, so i would pretty much be doing fundraising, which is not what i want. ugh...this whole internship thing is not turning out how i had hoped. i'm sure it'll all work out in the end, but i have 4 more days to be placed, and i dont even have an interview yet. very frustrating.

so im doing laundry downstairs and it seemed like a good time to blog.

last weekend/this week have been slightly uneventful. we went to a club called o'neils on saturday. it was an £8 charge to get in and wasn't worth it. emily and laura left early which was probably the smart thing to do. sunday night i went with desi and alex to builders arms, which is the pub across the street from my building that i live in. it was really fun. we played scrabble :) haha. alex is apparently very competitive, which i found to be very hilarious. i watched about 3 hours of live hockey online and it made my sunday so fantastic :) i got to watch the devils play. they lost and marty was mad, but i enjoyed watching him nonetheless. so emily lives in new jersey and she said if i go visit her sometime she can get us devils tickets...what did i say to that? uh HECK YES!!!!!!!! :) emily your the best :) i dont think you even understand. to be able to watch marty brodeur live is the next best thing to watching patrick roy play live...which i cant do anymore since he is retired. so that would just be amazing. (p.s. emily you wanted to be mentioned in my blog, well there ya go ;) haha...luv ya!) oh man

so this weekend i'm going to paris. i was supposed to go in march, but mom is coming in march so i switched to the february weekend. im so excited!!!! i have wanted to go to paris all my life and now its finally happening!!! i've been trying to spend as little money as possible this week so that i can spend more in paris haha. speaking of, i found real peanut butter!!!!! there is a small grocery store nearby that imports all of their stuff from america, so they had skippy peanut butter!!!! omg i was so overjoyed. it was amazing. i bought a HUGE economy size one for £8. expensive, but so worth it. probably the only grocery item i'll have to buy my entire time here. i can just steal bread from the dining hall :) haha. its still not quite the same as skippy @ home, but its close enough for me.

i got to talk to laura, my parents, and brittany on skype :) this made me SO happy. and i get to talk to bailey today!!!! ah!!!! im so excited. i want to hear all about her europe adventures and i want to get the low-down on all the places i should see :) talking to laura made me sad for her cuz she really hates working nights and i dont blame her. i feel terrible cuz i feel like there is nothing i can do, but i've been praying and i asked God for a miracle, so we'll see. talking to my mom was stressful because it was after midnight and we were trying to plan day trips to ireland, paris, and venice and i was stressed out. sorry mom. its just a pain to try and plan everything when your tired. and i hate looking at the prices. i know mom says she'll pay for everything, but then i feel guilty cuz i know how much it costs and i know she doesnt have a ton of money either. both my parents are teachers for goodness sakes. oh boy. ok not thinking about it.

i talked about boys with brittany :) hehe. that made me happy. haha. oh man. i love her to pieces seriously. and girl, if you read this. dont worry. one day your going to come to england and enjoy all this stuff and im going to be green with envey of YOU. trust me. :)

ok i think this blog is long enough. im sorry it wasnt more insightful (carter). ;) but really when i think about it, i just want to live in the moment and think about it later. i dont want to be psychoanalyzing everything i do here cuz then im going to miss it. act now, think later. of course, that doesnt mean i'm going to be stupid and do dumb/dangerous things. that just means im going to live in the moment and love what im doing.